5 ways to boost your emotional intelligence

Successful people have high emotional intelligence. They know how the people around them feel, and how to make those people feel better about their work. I have Aspergers Syndrome, so I most definitely need a social skills boost, and I’m always looking for new ways to think about what creates emotional intelligence.

Since social skills are less intuitive to me than for most people, I’ve collected a set of guidelines for myself to remember as I try to increase my own social competence.

1. People know when you’re faking.
If you don’t care, don’t fake like you do. The people around you see right through that. You know the research on smiling, right? The studies that show that when your smile is genuine it wrinkles the skin around your eyes? And if you put on a fake smile, no wrinkles. People aren’t conscious of that, of course, but they don’t need to be. They subconsciously know that your smile is phony.

Actually, most of our subconscious readings are correct. Here’s an article on how bosses read faces, if you’re interested. And it makes sense that we can do this. Reading people is an important survival skill, and we’ve had millions of years to perfect it. We’re good.

Like, we also know instantly how other people feel about us. A study from the University of Toronto found that people can assess the degree of empathy felt by another person even in just 20 seconds of silent video. We are reading faces, not just listening to what people say. That’s why it’s really hard to fake empathy when you don’t feel it. No one is buying it.

2. Don’t feel, do.
Whenever I read books about learning social skills – and I read a lot of them –they’re always telling me exactly what I should say or do. Like when someone is telling something about themselves, rather than interrupting to talk about myself, I should ask the other person a question about them.

And sure, I can do that. Anyone can do that. But since I don’t actually feel anything when I do this, it doesn’t come across right. There’s a disconnect between the empathetic act and the lack of empathy in my face. It’s actually worse than just interrupting. But now I understand: the whole idea of “passing” as an empathic person is pointless.

While caring can be hard for me, doing something actually helpful is much easier, and still within the rules.

3. Know who you’re dealing with.

So do something helpful. Everybody will tell you that recognizing people for their work is what makes them feel good. And that’s true. But what no one says is that it’s not obvious exactly how to do that. There’s no single way that works for everyone. It all comes down to personality.

There are four dominant personality types, among 16 possible personality types. You can find out which one you are here – it’s free. Those four dominant types are motivated by power, relationships, craftsmanship, or ideals.

4. Recognize first, reward second.

So it’s important to acknowledge a job well done, and to do so with real gratitude. But better yet is to reward that person with appropriate work, so that you encourage them to recreate that performance.

Still, what kind of work is appropriate depends on that person’s personality. Here’s how to inspire the four personality types, based on what motivates them:

Power: These are your Type-As. They want public recognition when they finish something, and nothing less. They respond well to visionary, forward-thinking projects.

Relationships: Cheerleaders. Like power people, they also want public recognition, but they want it to be fun, and they care about a good thank-you speech. Give them projects that are both clearly defined and diverse.

Craftsmanship: Perfectionists. Praise them for attention to detail, and do it in private, in an individual conversation. They don’t like a big fuss, but they do want to see that their work was valued. Where you can, use their work as the standard.

Ideals. Here are the crusaders. They don’t want to wait until the end for a reward. Praise them as they’re still working on the project, and do it as part of the team, rather than alone. That shows you believe in their ability to create solid partnerships. Give them projects that use that skill.

5. Fit your compliments to the person.

You can’t always directly reward the people working with or for you, but you can always show that you value the work they’ve done. Knowing what personality type people are helps you to know which people will appreciate acknowledgment for what. And then you can offer them recognition for that thing in a way they’ll like.

This stuff takes time to master. But it’s not enough to know that you need to give compliments when you can. People with high emotional intelligence know who in their organization needs which sort of recognition. That’s what separates successful managers from just average.

This article is published in collaboration with LinkedIn. Publication does not imply endorsement of views by the World Economic Forum.

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Author: Penelope Trunk is Co-Founder of Quistic. 

Image: A woman with a book sits on a bench at the departure area at the Fraport airport. REUTERS/Lisi Niesner.