Why is it so difficult to say no?

Nelson is a mid-level marketing manager. He answers to a lot of people. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to say No to anyone. His to do list is a mile long, and people are getting tired of his requests for deadline extensions. They wish he would be candid about his booked schedule.

Nelson’s story is common in organizations. How often have the following rationales come to mind when you’re faced with a Yes or No decision at work?

1. “I don’t want to damage the relationship.”
2. “I don’t want to deal with the conflict as a result of saying No.”
3. “They count on me. I can’t let them down.”

This kind of thinking can lead to failure. The “I can’t say no” mindset is not sustainable, and it’s ultimately not in everyone’s best interests. What does work is finding new criteria to prioritize energy and expertise, rather than simply being a people-pleaser.

In Nelson’s case, his career has reached what I call the Sharp Divide. He cannot continue to do well on everything he commits to and effectively complete his own objectives. That’s not to mention the personal consequences in Nelson’s life for his Yes-obsessed behavior: stress-related sleep loss, weight gain, illness, and strained relationships.

Ironically, the stress he thinks he will encounter if he says No doesn’t even compare to the toll it’s taking on him by saying Yes. But why can’t he recognize and change his pattern?

Obstacles to People-Pleasing Habits

There are three reasons that stop us from doing what’s best for us in the long term:

1. Ambition. We want to be successful, whatever that looks like to us. We believe our definition of success will make us happy or satisfied. We do this even to the detriment of health, family harmony or friendships.
2. Aversion to change. Nelson is aware that something needs to change. The negative emotional charge associated with shifting habits is stronger than the potential positive emotional charge with making change. Habits are wired in the brain as neurological grooves, so it takes a concerted and thoughtful effort to make the changes stick.
3. Blind spots, also known as biases. We often don’t know that our minds are taking an active part in keeping us stuck, thereby contributing to the rationalizations that cause stagnation.

Try these steps to move past the obstacles to saying No:

• Get real. Step back from your mental and emotional habits. See yourself from another perspective. (This often happens organically. Have your spouse, kids, or boss ever told you that what you are doing isn’t really working?)
• Prioritize the essentials. Find out what is worth your best efforts on your to-do list, not what would make others happy.
• Self-reflection. Check in with your body, emotions and sensations about the right thing to do. This pause takes quiet and peace of mind, which means learning how to turn off the mental avalanche of thinking and planning.

This article is published in collaboration with LinkedIn. Publication does not imply endorsement of views by the World Economic Forum.

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Author: Elad Levinson is a Senior Organization Effectiveness Consultant at 4128Associates.